Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/rhod rhod_20131116-1711a.mp3

Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales.

It is Rhod Gilbert, live on BBC Radio Wales, from my kitchen with Little Lloyd __ has dropped in. __, now, talk. / Oh, right, well, yeah / I / dropped in. I've been employed to / just a device / Oh, yeah, I was just passing by / up to. / It's an entertainment ... / washing up / It's an entertainment device. / Yeah, of course. / that's meant to be the feel of the show / can't be that bad / You can't say that. / I really don't like him. / Why ... / this is not / this is not / talking about / your personal grudge on Noel Edmonds / you two need to take / get a / car / somewhere / and sort it out, man-to-man / more than willing / raise money for children-in-need. / I would love to see that. You and Noel __ no hands, and no feet. / What? / just / in a pub car park / tangle beard / gives up / gonna work. / children-in-need, isn't it? / I won't be able to get that close to him / I think / should / ask him / should ask him / tweet or something / I think / element of surprise. / just / car park / studio / I think / car park / definitely / God, / posh / god, it's posh / contestants park / you could just rush him in a car park / take him by surprise / tangle him up in your beard, can you / long enough / I shaved / haven't / Uh, good point. / Lloyd / Noel Edmond's beard off / He's far too short, though / it might be / you can / surely you are capable of ducking down a bit / Your girlfriend / Surely you can bend down, Lloyd. / That's a good idea, actually / there must be things you do / your shoes on / man who does that. / Edmonds. Does he do it? / listeners / live on BBC Radio Wales. I'm sorry about this / met / Who? / Noel Edmond / Uh, I don't think / find him unsettling. / know that now / your feud, long-running feud, dacades-old feud ... / we know / to resolve it now / all for good cause. / children-in-need. You can / even / Redmond's beard / fighting in a car park

How are you on __ __, Lloyd L__? / C__ Mohammad is a man for sport. / Is he ? He's not a sport ... Oh yeah, / all / all sort of things. News / increasingly sexy. / I've seen him / weather map as well / no, Jason / doing the / news / sport / doing everything / leave ___ alone. He's all over / way / I know. He's ruthless, isn't he? / Uh, anyway, so, what have we got coming up on the show, Lloyd / We've got ... / Yes, go on. / what is it called?, Uh, human b__? / human audio radio b___ / So, this is / the front page of the Miller / Yeah. Today's Human Audio B__ / this is your phrase. You have to go / somebody / explain / just / over and over and over again repeatedly until they lose their temper. And then, ring us and tell us / got away with it. Today's phrase / choose / Daily Miller / ready to get steamy / OK. First of all, what does that mean? / I have no idea. / celebrity / get me out of the jungle or something / A man and a woman, who I don't know they are ... / Who's Jungle Joe / OK. So, he's going in the jungle, ... / ... with a woman in a bikini. / and she ... / he's gonna get steamy? / Yeah. I think, maybe, due to the ... 'cause it's, um, equatorial, isn't it? / Yeah, / Australia / humidity / maybe that's what it means / what have a bikini girl gotta do with this? / 'cause she's dressed for the weather. / his top / OK, your ... your audiio b___ today ... It's a good one, I think. I'm gonna choose / celebrity / or / started, I've got no idea. Um / absolutely rubbish ...  just an opinion, not / BBC / Ah, / fact. / just / Jungle Joey, Joey, I think, says "I'm ready to get steamy in the Jungle / everyone, So, I think your Audio b__ for today is / "I can't believe how Jungle Joey __ appears to be." / over and over again, "I can't believe how steamy / Jungle Joey / seems to be really / Jungle / Jungle / that's your audio b___ of today. What do you think, Lloyd? Is it gonna fly? / you mean by "fly" / take off / listeners / well, I guess there are probably people in the United Kingdom / who care about that / I think / funnier if they don't / I want children / parents / I can't believe how steamy Jungle Joey is prepared to get this year." And people going "What"? ... That's what we want. / people have got no idea what they are saying / I don't know, um ... / fun rise / his history, so, has he got, like / I don't know his history / steamy / I don't know his history. I did history in school up to all levels, but they never covered Jungle Joey. ... "I can't believe how steamy Jungle Joey is getting", that's your audio b__ for today.

Audio B__ today: I / believe / steamy Jungle Joey's getting / tell our listeners what he says in the article. You just read the article / Jungle Joey just says, um, ... "I'm single, and, ... I'll be up for a kiss." ... Jungle ... that's how steamy he's getting, ladies and gentlemen. / kiss somebody, I suppose. / maybe a platonic friendship / that's how steamy he's getting / never / little / Rhod, thanks a bunch. I got into your show via the podcast, and have downloaded it for weeks" says Jeff in Devon. "Indeed ... / Still / courage to listen to it / indeed, I've spent / most of those weeks / trying to work out / toaster makes / maybe you can contribute to this, Lloyd. / Oh yeah? / Because, do you know what / interesting, actually / We are in your kitchen. / We are in my kitchen / B__ C__ / co-host on the show the other day / as the main guest, 'cause no one turned up / you / microphone, and every now and again, we just do / thing ... / Yeah? / ... and spring it back up / radio / waiting to happen. / BBC Radio Wales phone lines and text numbers / one off the wall / people / none of them got it right. I think you might be able to help because you know the way your jaw is wired up. / Not wired up / you have an unusual speaking voice, which is some kind of, basically medical anomally ... __ the way your head is put together. / Yeah? / maybe your jaw / face, allows you to make sounds other human beings can't make. / ... Yeah ... / So, why don't you have a go at thetoaster / mental picture / your / up for listeners / haven't seen me / people can go and Google / images of you online / Lloyd __ [medical anomally] / So, you are essentially suggesting / they can go / your / identical to a toaster. / No. I'm saying __ __ __ is unlike anything I've ever seen / human being. ... So, it might ... you might have extra sounds at your disposal that could allow you to immitate a toaster perfectly / allow / rest / human beings / struggling / weird combination of, uh ... / here he goes, ladies and gentlemen. / ... of metal and organic matter / that's the thing. That's the thing / combination / and / organic matter, plus ... this is what people, lot of people failed, / do pretty well / mechanic / is the ... almost inaudible deposit of crums / base / as / that's where a lot of people fail. But your weird jaw might be able to do it / let's hear it / I don't know. It's a very difficult thing / mate / you've entirely left out / metalic / bit / What was that? / too much for the bread, yeah, but / not really / metallic noises / my face / the production team / just / they want to hear the toaster noise / conversation / Listen, I don't think / Jack is wiring up the toaster / have a second week of, uh, / I'd quite like to hear it, just / listen. The whole ... / two Saturdays ago / show / a few Saturdays ago. / anybody / sound / last / couple of Saturdays ago / no / anybody / actually, that's true / same people / let's have a listen to it, then. / That's it going down. / Yeah. / I wasn't that far off / not that far off? Let's hear the toaster again. / And then this is you: / ... / One of the worst toaster impressions I've ever heard in my life. / who else / into the streets in London / any pigeon / what you've done.

Pass the screw driver, __. / Here you go, J__  / This is a Philip screw driver, __. / Sonic variety / this is Radio, yes? / No, because / go in / you mean / we need / ahead of time / Of course, the 50th anniversary celebrations for you know Who". We don't / transmissions / our frequency / well / defeat the d__ and make their live broadcast. Find out on Dr. Who Day, Thursday / 1:00 PM / BBC Radio Wales. / what's going on / He's the new Dr. Who. J__ M__ / what's going on? Is he / new "Do. Who" / you know you said / do everything / the weather / travel / Algentine this afternoon / proper r___ man. / He is? He has a nice voice / Jason M__ / Have you ever met him? / yeah / I really like / Ah, there you go. OK. / roll up, roll up / time for my none-story of the week / Lloyd __ / here it comes. You can have / two contenders / make a choice / you can make a choice / first one is / for the none-story of the week / my first one is / Nicole / X-Factor / Nicole / pussy cat doll. / Yeah / I think / Hamilton / you seem to be welled up on your celebrity culture. Well done. Anyway, OK, um, she's not dating at the moment / OK / that's the headline / Yes, 'cause, she's gonna / Lewis Hamilton / OK / guys / hot / says the headline / make me laugh / your jaw thing. / but she / dating / that's my none-story of the week No. 1 / is, Nicole __ isn't looking for a date / but if she was / she'd go for someone with a sense of humour. / Yeah. And my other none-story of the week is that / Lewy from / guy / Lewy Smith ... he put on weight. / That's it. / maybe / which one do you think / non-story of the week, Lloyd? / I was just thinking, maybe he ... he / retrain / could do, like, wrestleing or something. / sure he can / depends on how much weight he puts on / maybe do sumo? / do that / the Olympics / Anyway, / they don't do sumo in Olympics / I think / Japan / massive advantage / I think Andy / in Japan / Russia / bound to have / sumo / in Japan / no contest / only country that really gets into it. / we've got four years / why / children-in-need / why don't you become a sumo wrestler? I've got some black cloth downstairs / I could fashion / pair of nappies / yeah / pair of nappies / that's what you call / you do / pair of trousers / pair of pants / never say that / he needs a pair of nappies / I think you might / make / a mess / text / you can email rhod / bbc.co.uk / it's / the big debate of the week: Is it "a pair of nappies" or is it "nappy"?

never mind all this talk about / toaster", says N. J. Simpson / interesting / O.J.'s brother / Yeah. Interesting name. "Dear Rhod and Big Lloyd / never / sound of the toaster / want to know is / bread in the toaster / pop up, where does the bread go? / kind / you know what I'm gonna say, little rascal? Never contact this show again, and I'm aptly deadly serious / now then, the audio b___ today / audio B__ which I want / say to people / do you think / not / not / No. / Joey's getting steamy in the Jungle / It's "I can't believe ..." Look, / on the twitter feed / believe / I can't believe how steamy Jungle Joey is getting." This relates to / front page of a paper / somebody called / jungle / he's up for it / he's up for a kiss / Audio b___ this week, say / as often as you can / don't explain it / how steamy jungle Joey is getting / All the better / you can say / no idea what you are talking about / anyway / other feature / at the moment / might take off, was the vexed question of whether one says "a pair of nappies" or whether it's "nappy" / you maintain quite firmly that / definitely "nappy", singular / I maintain that a pair ... it could be "a pair of nappies" / mean / pair of nappies / because you / a pair of trousers because it has two separate leg bits. / You should be a tailor. / or "a pair of tights", similarly / two leg bits / you agree with Scot Thomas / says / a pair of nappies? Rhod, you've lost it. / surely / only apply to / leg bits; shorts, / agree with that / then, I / say "pair of knickers", don't they? / pair pants / yeah / they don't necessarily / pair of speedos / no leg bits / a pair of glasses / he / only apply to / leg bits. OK, let me give you some examples / glasses / where the leg bits / arms / that's the difference / arms / no leg bits, is there? / No, but / he says / with leg bits. OK, / pair of gloves / two gloves, isn't there? / he says / only apply to / you know / semantics / don't you ... don't skim / don't leap around / semantics / sentence. What do you mean / that's what says. And that's / have / talking about clothing / somebody / Amanda / squeeze / what / I didn't say / probably / she probably wants / kebab / He says, "Surely that can only apply to clothing with leg bits." / you are being incredibly pedantic / cause / using your theory / to acknowledge / pair of apples / that's not clothing / glasses. That's / example / I'll tell you what. Glasses / a lot closer to clothing / than apples, Isn't it? / Yeah ... I guess so / body / Exactly. / everything / over eyes / a pair of / Have you ever seen that? / No, I haven't, no. / I have.

Uh, this is / chosen by Listener 13, Wendy Rogers has chosen uh, the tracks in the second half / good stuff coming up / Rolling Stones / a bit of / Joe Jackson, if / get / you like that one, Lloyd / Yeah. / show before, I think / Well, when / steel her thunder / and if you wanna choose all the / second half of the show / BBC / no, no, don't get confused. Out there, through these microphones / looking into are literally tens of listeners / I've done this show loads of times / you only / one song choice / maybe one time / how / song choice right now. / Maybe I could choose them / listen to the show? / no / Right. / really. I saw / text in or something / last track. Who / last track / text / None of your business. / Who was it? / hold him down. ... Now then, the vexed question / rumbles on / It doesn't rumble on / not / a pair of nappy / I think I ... all I'm saying is I think I have heard / pair / pedantic / I'm just saying / pair of nappies / possible / there is / far-fetched / ever heard / then / probably the most far-fetched / what would that be, then? / Probably the most far-fetched / I've ever heard / make something up / out there. / All right. But you've accepted it. / don't just go along ... if I / 11 / I was / put your hands in the toaster. ... Don't do it, kids. Madness. Very painful and dangerous. Don't do it. Um, now, then, anyway, I'm just saying it could be / pair / leg bits / says / the debate rumbles on, and I'll tell you what, people / mad for it / confusing / box of nappies / 18 nappies / does that mean / 18 pairs of nappies / sure / said earlier, we are not experts on this. I haven't got kids. / no / "Hi Rhod," says, um, I can't pronounce this, uh, / first name of this person / call him Dave / what's the name? / Uh ...look / R, U, A, I, R, I, D, H / could that be Irish? / Scottish, then / Gaelic, isn't it? / OK / "Hi, Rhod / listening to the show live for the first time in Scotland / other / Google" ... other internet searchers are available / with / that / the world's biggest search engine disagrees with you. / Yeah. / Uh, are you gonna revise your opinion? / I / just / term / pair of nappies / out there. / just / accurate / you definitely / google / OK / It's like calling a bra a pair of bras. Why would you do it / I've never heard that though. / I don't think / hear / I think I have / maybe / pair / stupid person / said it / Maybe it was a toddler / talking about / "It's singular", says Hew Davis. / a nappy, a diaper. I've never heard of a pair of / I speak as a father of three who tried / nappy-changing / this issue / never said / it's always "Pass me a nappy / changing it / he needs a new nappy. Never, never," says Hue Davis, "never, a pair of nappies" / that was pretty exhausive, wasn't it?

Dear Lloyd / is your middle name / call me / dear Rhod and LL L__. Don't be so stupid" ... this is / in Swanzy / definitely "a pair of nappies" / Do you know what? ./ decided you were right, Lloyd / I was about to say / knows me / again / pair of nappies / we can discount what he says. / show it off to / two apples / pair of nappies / Rhod and Lloyd, I agree with Rhod. Huh / just to be pedantic on this issue, I'd say a pair of nappies / as / pair of pants / that statement / pair / see / do say / a pair of nappies / I think you do. I think "a pair of nappies" / I'm back in. I'm back in the game. the feature is back on running. There's life in this, like a phoenix / zombie / from the flame from ashes / read out the third one / Coffee Morning / I'm not / coffee drinker ..." That's / lunch / not strictly enforced / different audience / I'm now very much in the Lunch Club zone / having had two chidren / OK / pair of children / I can confirm, with absolute certainty, that there is no such phrase as "a pair of nappies". Uh, what do you say to, uh / this is from / what do you say / who says / pair of nappies / say / you're wrong / go away / it's obviously / very subjective, isn't it? / people / say / odd thing. / like people / Confucious / you know, that's the joy of language, isn't it? But it also the joy to / you are wrong. Shut up / joy of language / Oscar ... Oscar Wilde / you are wrong. Shut up / I mean / absolute certainty / no such phrase as "a pair of nappies". It is either A: "nappy" / singular / yeah / B: "nappies", plural. / keep up the good work.

It's time / news / music / a little jingle / you / that / something like that / Rhod Gilbert's News Round Up / ... Nice. OK. Here's the story. Uh ... "Fake cop demanded discount d__ / Florida man / policeman / getting cheaper daughnuts / I would have thought, if you gonna pretend to be a policeman, which you shouldn't / impersonating a police officer is a crime / try / get some cheap daughnuts / you could, uh, arrest people you didn't like / Yeah. That's one. / You could probably get, uh / very careful / Lloyd / very dangerous territory / all the opportunity / all the wonderful things / station / trying the helmets / you could, um ... what else do they do? / what else do the police do? / You could probably, um, get / blue light on top your car / blue light / not obey the rules of the road / drive / shouting n__ n__ out the window. ... It does seem a lot of trouble to go to / cheap / all the things you could do / got / Charles Barry, 48 / reguarly flashed a fake badge to workers at Dunkin daughnuts / and demanded a police discount / I did a stupid thing" he says. "I showed / law enforcement discount / I didn't know ... I didn't know / discount on their daughnuts. / Yeah, I guess you get... / know / official police officers' daughnut deal? / I don't know / do they get / I think maybe / get, like, discounts on lots of things. / Like what? / Well, if you ... I don't know / What discount / police get? / you know, sometimes / go to / shop / want / pound / if / get cheap CDs / own band / I can get free DVDs, Rhod Gilbert DVDs / I'm talking about police officers / No, no, but you sometimes / shop / they have discounts for / like / discounts / shop / shop / clothes shops and stuff. / I've seen it with things / to provide identification / identification / obviously / I'm undercover / go out, down the street in London, and just say "I'm  / undercover cop / I don't know / Hello Kitty bag / open with / words / I'm undercover / what are you gonna do? You / tell them. You can't just go / please / no, no / wait / a bit / push it across the counter / slip it across the counter / don't panic. I'm an undercover cop / investigating local gangs / daughnuts /  Hello Kitty bag / pineapple chunks. / Come on, it's the news round up / it sounds like it, doesn't it? by, uh, it says, uh, yeah, / was in America, Yeah. / doesn't it / cliche, but obviously / American / I quite like that / I like it. / only time I've ever wanted to be a cop / I wanna sit / out / daughnuts / chat. ... I like the idea. / Yeah? / Yeah. / we could do it / nothing is stopping me / I've got a car / nothing / stop / me / car / cup of coffee / as me, who I am now / do it. I / never do it. / who could we __ __? / Corky? / I would never do it in million years. / own car / I really fancy being a cop in a long ___ / what / long __? / I don't know / American cops do / raining / dark / your wife / daughnuts, though / buy some more / Yeah. / Anyway, / a little fantasy / never / maybe you could do it / Work Experience / doughnuts / just / British policeman / Ah, yeah. They ... what do they eat? ... Pastramis? / British / they don't eat / it's not the same, is it? / Welsh cake / it's not the same, is it? / on the dashboard / welsh cake / not as cool as / coffee and daughnuts, man. / No, no, but you know ... / end of the story / nice / end of the story, right? / workers at the daughnut place told the police, the real police that Barry is a fake police / yeah / he's a regular customer / demands a police discount / worker Michhel ..." somebody, I can't pronounce / told deputies / turned up at weekends with his family / how much is the discount? It doesn't seem worth / Dunkin Daughnuts managers felt he was abusing the system. They grew suspicious, / this is the bit I love / and called the police. ... / Do you know what police did? / after a surveilance operation / they started / eating daughnuts / outside the daughnut place, watching somebody / car / eating daughnuts / outside / life-imitating art / endless circle of people / eating daughnut / do you think / real policeman / sat / looking at somebody / real police officer ... do you think you'd start / question / your own identity / first of all / looking / rear view mirror / simple mistake to make / end up / I know / police / face / some of them / probably done that / probably felt the strong arm of the law / own hand / own shoulder in / under arrest / hang on, hang on / it's me / looking / rear-view mirror / for wasting police time.

And if you enjoyed that, why don't you listen to the whole show? Rhod Gilbert / live on Saturday mornings / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.